And while the Hotsy Totsy Club is highfiving and backslapping itself, perhaps we might as well admit that Ray and Christina will be committing their soon-to-be-finished horror film, The Ichthyoid Syndrome ("The Persona of my time!" -- Camille Paglia), to the San Francisco Arts Commission Gallery as of September 22, 1999. Be there or be elsewhere.

"She has a book on the subject of Fear in her hand" -- "Celebrity Art Party", The Embarrassment

Dr. Justine Larbalestier says I remind her of Casper the Friendly Ghost, and so it's entirely appropriate that my first movie should premiere at an art show titled "Facing Fear."

Besides being my first movie, this was my first opening, and, although no one threw a glass of wine in my face, on the whole it made me realize why my collaborator Christina hates 'em so much. It's like if I hung around a bookstore waiting for someone to pick up an anthology I was in and then waited for them to look at my story and then waited to see how far they read and what their reaction was. It's much nicer to have everyone remain anonymous unless they really don't want to be.

Also, it seemed too noisy for anyone to hear our fabulously detailed soundtrack through those dorky Walkman foam headphones. I'd sorta pictured big black hoods over all the TV sets, where you'd have to get under the hood to hear and see what was going on, but the curators didn't ask for installation advice. (One of them did ask for my theory of fear, though, and I apparently was quite the voluble informant. The combination of free drinks and serious attention is so heady.)

But as we left I saw a nice lady laughing out loud at our monitor, so that was OK.

Hotsy-Totsy favorite Curt Salada suggested further bean spillage vis-à-vis the movie project....

The Ichthyoid Syndrome (1999)

Directed by Ray Davis and Christina La Sala

Writing credits: Christina La Sala and Ray Davis

Genre: Horror

Tagline: The medium is the message. The message is: I don't like you.

User comments: It seemed to really click with my subconscious.

Cast, verified as complete
Christina La Sala .... Company Spokesperson
Ray Davis .... Test Subject

Music by Ray Davis, with Ludwig von Beethoven

Cinematography by Ray Davis and Christina La Sala

Film editing by Ray Davis

Art direction: Christina La Sala

Costume design: Christina La Sala

Special effects: Christina La Sala

Production companies: Catseye Productions

Distributors: San Francisco Art Commission Gallery

Runtime: 3 1/2 minutes

Country: USA

Sound mix: Mono

Plot summary: When fish are used as input devices, a former technophobe goes wild for computers.

Memorable quotes: "We like to call them... Cuddlefish."

Release dates: Part of the "Facing Fear" group show, running from September 22 1999 through October 30 1999.

Technical specifications: With its Sorenson-compressed QuickTime file weighing in at about 40 meg, this little honey ain't gonna get much Web distribution!

The lights are strung up, Cholly's strung out, and the Club's finally got the true holiday merchandising spirit prancin' and dancin' and donnin' and blitzin' in The Hotsy Totsy Discount Warehouse Outlet:

To our left and right, we see samples of Christina La Sala's and Steven Elliott's Cootie Catchers, published by Chronicle Books. Perfect ice-breakers for the tasteful yet shy, these cunning hand-and-eye-developers are sure to replace Dan Savage and the Magic 8-Ball as your mystic advisor of choice. Arthur Lee once asked, "Pictures and words: is this communicating?" Well, if he'd been talking about the pamphlets of Juliet Clark, we'd have to reply that they're even better than communicating! And at only $5 each, including postage, they're cheaper, too! Give three copies and their grateful recipient can shelve 'em under "Comix," "Memoirs," and "Small Press Collectibles" for easy access. The perfect stocking stuffer for those with large flat stockings. Ray Davis's and Christina La Sala's much bruited about film The Ichthyoid Syndrome ("THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT OF OUR TIME!") is finally available for home entertainment centers. I'll ship a copy on a videotape or Zip disk at cost -- that's only 14 dollars! (Actually, it sounds like a lot to me, too, but that really is the cost, if you include the envelope and all.) Sure to be a collector's item, since normal people don't buy five-minute-long movies!

• And Anselm Dovetonsils makes this ruggedly handsome offer: for every little magazine in which you publish one of his poems, he will pledge to provide a rave review of a book published by your small press -- and if you publish him in an anthology sold in real book stores, he guarantees that his review will appear in the New York Times! No other poet can match such a promise this late in the holiday season! Remember: Dovetonsils will not be undersold!

Jeez, sudden death and germ warfare are such depressing ways to spend Halloween. Remember public speaking? Or technophobia? Now that was a fear....

If you have a DivX-capable AVI player (now you remember technophobia, right?), you can escape into yesteryear via 24 big MB of Ray Davis's and Christina La Sala's The Ichthyoid Syndrome. Its tinny sound and 100% guaranteed QuickCam video will have you reliving 1999 in all its autumnal splendor!